The scene opens in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room in the Bell Centre. The familiar sounds of players fraternizing and equipment shuffling are not present, instead there is a rather cool silence that fills the air. In the center of the room is a long table, with two empty chairs behind it.
A tall man with slicked back hair enters the room and stands in front of the table. He smiles and clears his throat before speaking.
Joel Bouchard: Bonjour! Hi ham Joelle Bouchard hand hi ham your ‘ost for dis
Bienvenue au WHO WANTS TO BE A FIRST LINER!
Has you may know your Canadiens du Montreal ‘ave been witout hay first liner since Andrei Kostitsyn got ‘urt hagainst de Panters hon New Years heve. Ce soir we har going to ‘ave hauditions to determine de new first liner who will play wit Mike Cammalleri et Tomas Plekanec!
Ét maintenant, Accueillons your judges pour ce soir....MIKE CAMMALLERI ET TOMAS PLEKANEC!
The bridge from Coldplay’s fix you plays as Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec walk into the room and sit down at the table.
Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue judges, har you ready to choose your new winger?
Mike Cammalleri: Yeah we’re ready...but what was that first word you said?
Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue?
Mike Cammalleri: Yeah that one.
Joel Bouchard: Hit means welcome, hor you’re welcome.
Mike Cammalleri: Oh sweet I learnt a new French word, I love the culture here.
Plekanec rolls his eyes.
Joelle Bouchard: Maudit....
Hanyways! Nous sommes prêt Le-
Mike Cammalleri: More French...I love this city.
Tomas Plekanec: We get it...you want to be captain.
Mike Cammalleri: *blushes*What? Th-that’s hilarious...wh-where would you get an idea like that? I mean I wouldn’t turn it down if it was offered to me...but I’m not going to go out there and say that I want to be captain for the greatest sports franchise in the world who’s history is only matched by the overall success of the franchise, and at this time more than ever it needs a leader who not only is charismatic and good looking *winks* but who also scores *winks* passes *winks* and is really really really ridiculously good looking *winks three times*
Tomas Plekanec: Wouldn’t want to do that.
Mike Cammalleri: No, like I said, classless.
Joelle Bouchard: Hanyways! Hif you har bote ready we can get started! Your prospective winger will come and present temselves to you hand at de end you will decide on who you wish to play on de top line wit you!
Tomas Plekanec: Sounds good Joelle, send in the first one.
The door opens and in walks Sergei Kostistyn, he has a grin on his face and is limping a little bit.
Sergei Kostitsyn: Hyello.
Tomas Plekanec: Hey Sergei, welcome.
Mike Cammalleri: Aren’t you hurt?
Sergei Kostitsyn: Feerst of all, eye love your toortleneck Tomas, and Mikey, I like your spinny goal against Dyallas, very pretty.
Tomas Plekanec: Oh thanks I got it on sale at....wait a minute, none of that now...you remind me of Brian Burke when he tried to convince me to hold out on a contract in June.
Mike Cammalleri: Man that goal was sweet wasn’t it? *he stares off into the distance*
Plekanec kicks him under the table.
Mike Cammalleri: Right right...well Sergei...what do you have for us?
Sergei Kostitsyn: Wyell my brother was on top line.
There’s a pause.
Sergei looks happy with himself, he doesn’t appear to have anything else to say.
Mike Cammalleri: Is that all?
Sergei Kostitsyn: No difference...One Kostitsyn other Kostitsyn...we same. Easy for fans and others to make transition. And if I no get job I weel call agent and be traded.
Tomas Plekanec: Nothing about your ability, your strengths?
Sergei Kostitsyn: Eye very strong, one time I lift whole Ox over head in old country.
Mike Cammalleri: Wow really?
Tomas Plekanec: Seriously Mike?
Mike Cammalleri: Do you have any video footage of this Ox lift?
Sergei Kostitsyn: Veedeo? What is veedeo?
Tomas Plekanec: Okay Okay, thanks for coming in Sergei it’s been great we’ll call you soon and let you know...NEXT!
Sergei limps out of the room.
Mike Cammalleri: I think he has a great shot, I love his edgy-ness...I feel safe with him around...like he's not going to bail if things don't go his way.
Tomas Plecanek: Let's just see the others before we decide on anything.
Mike Cammalleri: He lifted an Ox over his head!
Tomas Plekanec: NEXT!
The door opens and Maxime Lapierre walks in.
Cammalleri’s immediately tries to jump over the table to get at Lapierre but not before Plekanec grabs him and pins him to the table.
Lapierre smirks and begins to shadow box, he stands behind Joelle Bouchard.
Maxime Lapierre: Old me back old me back!
Bouchard just stands there.
Maxime Lapierre: Cammy hif Bouchard wasn’t ere I would tear you apart.
Joel Bouchard: Why don’t you just go ‘it ‘im.
Maxime Lapierre: *Whispers* Mon dieux Joelle, you know I don’t fight, my face is too pretty.
Plekanec calms down Cammalleri he begrudgingly resumes his spot.
Mike Cammalleri: Sorry I don’t know what came over me, I’m just so damn passionate.
Maxime Lapierre: Hit’s ok, better for you...I probably would have beat you hup hanyways.
Mike Cammalleri: Ok we’ll give you the job if you come up here and punch me in the face right now.
He stands up and turns his cheek to Lapierre.
Mike Cammalleri: Come on Yappy, hit me.
Maxime Lapierre: You tink I won’t hit you? Because Hi will!
Mike Cammalleri: Come on Maxie, top line minutes, all you gotta do is fight.
Lapierre cocks his fist back holds it there for a moment. After a few seconds he
begins to sweat, then shake and eventually collapses within himself.
Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec: *pointing* AAAAHHHHH
Maxime sulks out of the room; audible sobs can be heard coming from the hallway as the door is closed behind him.
Tomas Plekanec: What a bitch.
Mike Cammalleri: NEXT!
In walks Marc Andre Bergeron.
Tomas Plekanec and Mike Cammalleri: NEXT!
MAB: Oh come on! Max got to talk.
Tomas Plekanec: Just...No...security?
A random security guard, who looks a lot like Gregory Stewart grabs MAB and escorts him from the room.
MAB: But I have a great slap shot....and I have the shoulder fake! That thing is impossible to read-*Door Slams*
Tomas Plekanec: This is getting tiresome...
Mike Cammalleri: Ok who’s next...says here we were supposed to audition Matt D’Agostini and Max Pacioretty...but they had to cancel last minute.
Tomas Plekanec: Really? How come?
Mike Cammalleri: I don’t know I was looking at the letter ‘C’ in different fonts when Martin told me...something about a Bulldog and diesel fuel.
Tomas Plekanec: You know we have a word for people like you in the Czech Republic...
Mike Cammalleri: No way really? Can you teach it to me? I love learning about other cultures! Also I-
Tomas Plekanec: Nevermind nevermind...NEXT!
In walks Carey Price
Tomas Plekanec: Umm...are you sure you’re in the right place?
Carey Price: Yeah...this.....is the....auditions....for the...first line.....right?
Mike Cammalleri: Right...but you’re a goalie.
Tomas Plekanec: I don’t get how you don’t get how this is a problem for us.
Carey Price: Well....with Jaro playing so well....I just thought....I can play up front and......get some good minutes.....
Mike Cammalleri: What do you think Tom? It would for sure turn some heads.
Tomas Plekanec: How are you even considering this?
Mike Cammalleri: What? He’s big, he has good reflexes, he’s a competitor, he steps up when we need him and doesn’t fold in pressure situations.
Tomas Plekanec: Are we talking about the same person?
Mike Cammalleri: Who are you talking about?
Tomas Plekanec: Carey Price!
Mike Cammalleri: Ohhhh I thought you were talking about Mike Cammalleri.
Tomas Plekanec: What? Why would I...? That’s you....
Mike Cammalleri: I know, that guy’s awesome...
Tomas Plekanec: Jesus Christ...
Carey Price: Yes?
Tomas Plekanec: Wow......Bob better give me some big coin...look Carey this isn’t going to work.
Tomas Plekanec: Oh for crying out loud...not again....CAREY!
Carey Price: GNN...HWAH!? Oh......sorry....I dozed off.
Mike Cammalleri: NEXT!
In walks Benoit Pouliot, Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez. They look pissed off.
Plekanec looks a little flushed.
Mike Cammalleri: Oh hey guys! I knew this was going to happen....Look we’re only looking for one winger here...and I know you guys have like zero chemistry so I know one of you guys wants to come up and play with the big boys....we’ll just talk amongst ourselves while you decide.
So Pleky, Who’s your favourite? The new guy, the new guy, or the really new guy?
Tomas Plekanec: You’re new too...
Mike Cammalleri: I am not the one on trial here.
The three cut in before Cammalleri can continue.
Brian Gionta: Look Mike...we came here...
Scott Gomez: ....to tell you how we feel...
Benoit Pouliot: ....about this whole first line...
All three: Situation...
Tomas Plekanec: this is weird...
Mike Cammalleri: .....I’m feeling afraid....
Brian Gionta: We know that...
Scott Gomez: ....you had a lot of success....
Benoit Pouliot:.....earlier in the year...
Brian Gionta:....but now it’s time to realize....
Scott Gomez: ....that we are the new top line....
Benoit Pouliot: ....and to just accept that fact....
All three: With no hard feelings.
Mike Cammalleri: Oh come on! Ohhh We have chemistry....ohhh we’re so slick and stuff and finish each others....
Mike Cammalleri: Not helping Pleky.
Tomas Plekanec: Sorry what? Oh....my B.
Mike Cammalleri: Look look...Pleky and I have awesome chemistry...watch, say the first thing that comes to mind right...now!
Tomas Plekanec: Dog
Mike Cammalleri: Jumanji! Awwwwwww
Brian Gionta: ...It's not that big of a deal...
Scott Gomez: ....after all it's just a number...
Benoit Pouliot: ....so don't sweat it....
The three leave the room, but now before giving the two line mates stern looks.
Joel Bouchard: Well der you ‘ave it folks! Hit looks like we ‘ave a whole new top line! Sorry Cammy et Pleky...but you’ll have to continue your search for a new line mate hon your hown. For Les Canadiens du Montreal Hi ham Joelle Bouchard...good night!
Mike Cammalleri: What the frick just happened here.